Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
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She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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