I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sext me about skeletons
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
