so that wasnt chicken after all
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
