Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
