Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
