Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
