remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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