well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
