Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
