connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
