p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
