i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
