He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
