Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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