Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
