my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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