Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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