So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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