so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
