I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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