Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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