im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
