the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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