people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
