bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
