4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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