My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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