soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
