Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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