I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
