Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
