I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
