He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
