Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
