My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
