hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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