Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
