masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
