My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
cat food counts as protein by the way
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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