I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's blow job season.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
