if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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