The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
