The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
