Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
