all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
