i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
