I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Randomize
