dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
