I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
