Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Randomize
