my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
