I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize