She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
