Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
