my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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