So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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