I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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