woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
