every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
